So my darling sister sent me a Fitbit (thank you!!!)... and I haven't decided if I love it or hate it!!!  Why?  Well I thought that counting my steps would be good, and that part is great... but monitoring my sleep - that's a whole other story!!!  I knew that my sleep sucked, especially during a flare up, but seriously now that I see it in text as a visual it freaks me out.  To know that I live on maybe 5 hours of proper sleep and the rest is restless only confirms that those of us with chronic pain must be silent super heroes!  To do what we do with such little sleep blows my mind!!!

At first I was a bit taken aback because what it confirmed for me is that I am so used to bad sleep that it has become a part of my life, I've normalised it!  So now that I wake up and see it is true, and truer than I had remembered, so silly that I had forgotten... I feel like at least I am reminded why I am tired during the day, ready to sleep by 4pm (yet never do!)... 

I actually even woke up in the past before my Fitbit and thought that I had had a good sleep, and wondered why I was so tired... felt guilty, felt a bit bad, felt that I wasn't sure if I could keep doing this tired thing... but again, now I know that I only 'felt' like I had a decent sleep because this is what my normal is.  I also felt a bit bad for going to bed at a decent hour 9.30 or 10.00 and sleeping until 7.00 maybe dozing until 7.30 on some days... but even if it looks like I'm getting 8 or 9 hours, there's no way in fiery hell I am!  I don't take anything for sleep at the moment, and I know this attributes to my non-healing sleep.  As we all know you need deep REM sleep to heal.  What a vicious wee circle we go in.  Like a rat on a rat wheel!

Hopefully having my Fitbit will weigh more positive because I can see that I am walking lots of good healthy steps... and that darn sleep tool will just be a reminder that I need to remember to be mindful, meditate if I'm wired for sound, don't stress about not sleeping, take something if I need too (even if it is natural, there are loads of natural options for sleep) and just try to be positive and know that I'm not the only one out here going round and round on the FMS wheel!