Friday, 15 July 2016

My two favourite definitions I have found of pain are:
* cause bodily suffering to
* cause anguish or make miserable
And the definition of chronic:
* being long lasting and recurrent, characterised by long suffering.

However, pain as a definition is truly not defined just by those definitions, and what I sometimes do when I have chronic pain, and am laying awake 'in it' I try to think of how I would describe it.  I know I have done this before in one of my past blogs, but it plagues me to try to define it, so other people can understand it!  Don't you agree?  Don't you want to be able to explain to people, without them having to suffer it, how it feels exactly.  Sometimes this helps me get back to sleep, ha!  Boring my brain with how I would describe this bodily suffering, this anguish that can make me miserable.

I have also said in past blogs, that I would not let it make me miserable, so most of my anguish is held, in my mind, and in my mindfulness.  How do I do this?  Well I do talk about it, but I don't want to be whiney, and I don't want to go on and on, so I find that if I try and describe it to myself it makes me feel like I am digesting it, if that makes any sense.  I question "what does that feel like?", I ask myself, "is that mild, or harsh?", and so on and so forth.  After time and after years of having this condition I often wonder if this pain is bad?  Maybe I have gotten used to it and normally it would be incredible pain for someone else as a one off?  Or maybe it would be mild to yet another person?  Do I really know how bad this pain is, or how mild any more?

Recently I had a neck injury, not spinal or anything, but somehow pinched a nerve which reacted and caused muscle spasms and hardened the muscles, that to me was incredibly painful, but worst thing happened, it triggered a flare up, so it was a double whammy unfortunately.  So as I was barely able to turn over in the night, and flaring at the same time, and trying to describe to myself how I was feeling, I did come up with a description I thought was rather different from my last... quite simply put, I was thinking of dull nails, being hammered into my joint, not fast and hard but slow and deliberate... and the resulting ache that just held on like nothing else, sticking and purposely not letting go.  Harsh and heated, the ache continues, too much to let me sleep, so I would just lay there and absorb it.  I don't really know what else to do, I don't really like to take 'even more' painkillers, so I tend to leave that to the absolute last resort, frankly sometimes that is not the best choice.  It can take a long time to go back to sleep, even a restless sleep, while a ponder the pain and my threshold.

I often wonder if I am the only one who does this.  Do other chronic pain sufferers labour over the feeling of what they are going through?  I won't let myself get depressed about it, I can only ever remember one time through all of this that I couldn't muster the will to go on, but it didn't last long, I have every reason to be here in particular my family! Of course there are people who are far worse off, not that that is a consolation but it makes me stop going to a dark place that many Fibro sufferers go.  I can at least be thankful that I do not suffer this symptom.  Mindfulness books and quotes from other bloggers are always helpful, and it really makes a difference knowing one isn't alone in all of this as I have often said.

The best days are the days with minimal aches and pains for anyone.  But especially so for FMS sufferers - am I right?  So I hope for those days most of all, and hope for answers, and hope that other people who are worse off have better days too.  "Wake up and smile, and tell yourself today is your day".  I'm not sure who's quote that is but maybe it will help.

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